Title: Caged
Author: Leonora O'Reilly
Category: Vignette/Angst
Summary: Scully deals with the fact that Mulder is once again out of the picture. 
Spoilers: Existence
Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully belong to FOX, Chris Carter, David, and Gillian. They unfortunately do not belong to me. 
Feedback: Send it to GillyFanatic@yahoo.com because it makes me ecstatically happy.
Author's note at the end.
.......................................................


I hate the way people look at me. I don't want their
pity. There are single mothers all over the world who
are having a tougher time than me. Things could be so
much worse. It was so painful when I thought that
Mulder was dead. I can't decide which is worse:
believing that he is dead or knowing that he is alive
and has simply chosen to leave. I try not to think
about it. Everyone just makes it so difficult to
forget.

"He's a free spirit," I hear myself tell my mother, "I
couldn't tie him down like this. The  family thing was
never his dream. He'd get too restless... he'd be
miserable." I keep telling myself that Mulder is a
bird and I can't keep him in a cage. The tired
metaphor comforts me. It's so much better than saying
that Mulder completely abandoned me for no apparent
reason.

At least he didn't leave without saying good bye. I
don't think I could have handled that.  He seemed
panicked when he left, feverishly packing and
muttering excuses left and right. He "only wanted to
protect" me. Protect me. Protect me from what? He
didn't seem too clear on that. He told me he loved me
and would always love me, but, for reasons I will
never know, we can never be together. The entire thing
was infuriating, truth be told. 

No one is out to get us anymore. We could have fallen
into place as a normal couple with a normal baby. And
that scared the hell out of Mulder. Normalcy, that is.
So instead he invented an imaginary threat to me and
our son if he were to stay. Somewhere in the back of
my mind I expect him to come walking in one day. He's
bound to get tired of doing whatever it is he's doing.
That's another thing. What is he doing? Where is he?
Is someone taking care of him? Reminding him to eat
sometimes? Do I even want him to have someone new?
Well, actually no. No, I don't. 

There are days when I hope he's miserable, as terrible
as that sounds. I just want him to come back. I want
him to wake up and realize that he's being irrational
and childish. I just don't understand. I don't. Why?
I'm not enough for him? The idea of spending the rest
of his life with me scares him so much that he becomes
a recluse? 

This is why I try not to think about it. There are
just too many avenues of thought and none of them are
good. I've always been able to keep myself together.
This is no different. I can't let this ruin my life. I
still have my dignity and I intend on keeping it.
Still, I must be slipping because people always look
at me with such pity. Without uttering a word,
everyone is screaming "He left you! You're alone! With
a baby!" Every time his name is mentioned people get
this look in their eye like "Oh yeah, the deadbeat
dad." They make me feel like I should be dragging him
to court for child support payments. I'd have to find
him first.

I thought I saw him once. I was pushing William in his
stroller and there he was. His rental car was parked
across the street from my apartment. My mind wrestled
over whether or not I should go confront him, but he
drove off before I got the chance. It all happened so
quickly that I wondered if he had ever really been
there at all. In fact, I've wondered if Mulder has
ever existed at all. Maybe I'm absolutely insane. This
theory isn't very comforting, nor is it the most
likely. The only person who can explain to me why
Mulder left is Mulder himself. Until then I'll
continue living my life as if nothing has happened.
I've become good at that.

.......................................................


Author's Note: I recently put out a much sappier and
happier story in response to Existence. This isn't an
alternate version of that, nor is it a sequel. This is
just my little contribution to the whole "How are they
going to write David off the show?!?" question. As I
wrote it, I thought that maybe I was being a bit hard
on Mulder. I don't think he'd leave like this. David
Duchovny apparently would, so we've got to deal with
it.

8/29/01

Author's Note Part II: I delayed sending this story
out because of the September 11th tragedy. I'm sending
it out now because I feel like writing again and I
want to get my stories out there.

10/8/01

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